This is a post i’ve toyed with for a few days, and something i’ve refrained from writing. I guess deep down I owe it to myself to do so, and I guess (in a sentiment that feels odd to write) it is something I owe to anyone that reads my blog.
Its been a difficult few weeks, and ones that I haven’t wanted to talk about. To anyone. I guess, if you’ve been there – you understand. You end up in a bubble of non existence, the world passing you by in a foggy haze, minutes and sometimes months can go by in a blink without a moments notice. You find yourself feeling nothing…and everything. All at once.
The new feeling amidst them all, however, was one of anger.
The last time I went through such a blip I just took on a ‘me against the world’ attitude. Trying to get by on my own, making out i’d get there.. eventually. The secret of it all is… that its exhausting. Putting on a brave face, mostly facing it all completely alone. Its damn hard.
And then it hit me.
Why should I have to? Why shouldn’t I have any support? Why should I have to face it alone and just ‘cope’ ? I was officially fed up of no-one caring. Perhaps it was time to do something about it.
So, last week, I found myself back at my (albeit it, new) Doctors Surgery. I angled in with the ‘insomnia’ approach initially. But after a ‘how are you generally?’ from my seemingly caring Doctor resulted in tears and baring all.
“Okay,” she said. ” We’ll get you on a referral scheme. That’ll take a month. Then after an initial assessment it’s difficult to say how long it will take from there. But that’ll help.”
On one hand, I was impressed. This was more help than I’ve ever received previously, but…this couldn’t be right. Could it?!
Okay, so I work for myself. So, if I don’t sleep, or find myself writing at 2am, its no big deal. Work gets done, everyone is happy. But what if I wasn’t? I was struggling, to say the least. The idea of even looking at a laptop was overwhelming, I could barely step out of bed. The idea of even answering my phone filled me with dread. If I was working a 9-5? To put it bluntly… I’d be fucked. I’d be signed off for months on end. I’d lose credibility. I’d lose my career. Judging by past experience…i’d lose everything.
The thing that angered me the most, is the attitude that this was fairly ‘normal’ procedure. The idea that my life was to be put on hold for two months (best case scenario) was ‘standard’. How is that fair?
How is it fair that I should just sit tight and hope for the best? If things got better, then great…but what if they hadn’t? I’m “used” to the highs and lows now, I know they pass. But I know others don’t. Others don’t have that luxury.
This Waiting Game is appalling, at best.
Some people don’t have months. They barely have minutes. You’re left feeling defeated and desolate with nowhere or one to turn to.
I know this post sounds a little ranty. But perhaps its needed. If anyone else, with any other illness was told to just ‘cope’ on their own for a few months in a ‘best case scenario’ there would be uproar…outrage.
Maybe its time we stand up and be counted too.
Because being treated like a nobody really doesn’t seem to equate to an appropriate course of action. And i’m fed up of not being counted as a ‘somebody’ that matters.