Some days, you find yourself in a bar with a friend after one to many vino’s, with a proposed problem that no amount of said vino can fix. And then…you get the look. The look that says you; as the the together and to-do ‘older’ person, must indeed hold the answer which will make everything better.
And y’know…you want to help, you want to say that realistically, its all going to be okay. I should know, as I find myself in these sorts of situations on a far too regular occurrence. But the truth is, deep down, you really haven’t got a clue. You look back, trying to draw inspiration from the most bothersome of boyfriends and the most unreal of relationships, yet… you draw a blank. But of course, you still try, because that is what friends do. We do our best, our utmost, and draw from whatever experiences and situations we can to find the best answer for what is sometimes the most unanswerable of questions. Which can only lead me to wonder what this looking back really achieves, and begs the question – Do the actions and incidents of our past really define our present actions, and impact on the future of what we do each and every day?
Everyone is different of course. You for example; hello reader! Go back in your mind to that one incident, that one defining moment that threw your life off track and has sat on your shoulder ghosting you to your present ever since. Some of us resorted to music and the rebellious nature of Punk and Prodigy. Some immerse themselves into a world of hope and happy endings. Some of us consciously chose to live life on the edge, afraid not of falling off it, but that the moment we stop, we’ll fall away from the edge and back into that corner of nothingness, and forced to deal with that ‘Pandora’s Box’ of memories that you so meticulously hid away never wanting to cross its path ever again.
Like I said, everyone is different; expressing themselves in so many other expressive type of ways that they had left so inexpressibly reserved before.
The problem is, with whatever we contain so carefully within our boxes with guarded lock and key, is that it seems to have an on-going affect whether we like it or not.
I’ve been through some things in my past, things that perhaps a blog isn’t the forum for, and frankly the specifics aren’t really all that important, as the principles of my point are the same no matter what our individual ghost’s of problems past are. As much as they caused pain, or distress, or upset, they helped form the person you are today. And as a result (for me anyway) I am kind, compassionate, and the ongoing advocate for the underdog and those without voices, helping wherever I can.
However, it is at this point in the post I am torn. Because on so many occasion, I find myself biting my tongue, or advising in a certain way, so adamant I won’t paint others with a brush that has been dipped in many a disastrous paint pot. But in this adamancy, have I fallen to the other side of being too leanient? Perhaps, too naive, perhaps -dare I say- stubborn to a point of making me blind-sighted, and perhaps then when it comes down to giving advice, saying the wrong thing altogether? You find yourself hitting the fork in the road and the road map has gone awry.
And here is the other scary thought. What if there really is no road or avenue? What if mentally, we find ourselves in an emotional cul de sac, with little other way of being or turning? What if, in that corner you so desperately flee, is the very heart of your very existence, your very way of being. What if your entire life can be cornered down to just that one, singular unavoidable event?
The positives are there, that is certain. but what if it is bigger than that? You see the positives, and embrace them, but yet they undermine the perpetual negatives for want of their non-existence leaving you, well….stuck.
There my friends, lies the question that in a roundabout sort of way I have eventually arrived.
What makes you, you?