Today, I find myself in a rather odd mood. One I’ve felt far too often, and dispise equally each time it comes around. It’s not depression per cé (though I would argue it is an integral part of it) but a feeling of being…well, lost.
I’m not really sure what has changed. Life has been up, down, here and there. And I thought perhaps I was getting on top of things. I have finally found work and a career that I enjoy. My life is finally on track for the better. I have good friends around me, great support.
So what exactly is this niggling feeling I just can’t get rid of?
It started a few days ago now. Nothing out of the ordinary; working on work (as y’do). Chatting with friends. Life plodding along as normal. Everything on the surface seemed fairly, simple.
Yet right at the back of your mind, this vacuumess thought appears. A nothing, and an everything. Small at first, you barely notice its existence. Then slowly it absorbs your thoughts, becomes part of your consciousness. Then almost overnight you can think of nothing else. It becomes your very being. And you become lost. Without a clue of how you got there and how to get out of it.
Its tough. Stuck in the middle of the scales, tentatively balanced with the chance of falling in either direction. On the one side, you have your everything. Life back on track, the darkness disappears. Life continues much as normal with a spring in your step and a smile on your face. Essentially, everything becomes manageable again.
On the other, bleak, hazy nothingness. Brain fog. The simplest tasks fade away to the depths of impossible and suddenly a world of normality descends into disarray.
So I find myself unbalanced, unsure and uncertain. At a crossroads, unable to take a step forward or back in any direction. Staring into space, on the edge of the hypothetical ”mind cliff”, writing in circles not knowing which way to turn.
I wish I could finish this post with something revolutionary. Something helpful and insightful; my plan of how to make things better. However on this occasion, I really don’t think I can,
for which I apologise.
Actually, I take back the apology. Perhaps this is not my usual upbeat or heartfelt sort. Whether its Poignant or Powerful, Funny or Futile.
Today, this is me. No censorship. Honesty a must. Although today is a struggle, I am proud to admit that I am. In a rather odd sort of way. Not hide behind it like I did for so many years. So, maybe with that in mind, perhaps i’m a step further away from the edge than I first thought.